Outlook

Sometimes, you just gotta smack your self in the head and say "Wake Up!". How long can a person endure, or be faced with their own inadequacies and short comings before they break? Is there a magical point in time when you suddenly "you just get it?" Or is it continual and the magical time is a farce, or a dangling carrot? You know what pisses me off the most? We have a Bible and other new age religions that state we are "really smart" or have "infinite wisdom". Hell, pick a cliche. You get the idea. If we are so smart, hows come we are so stupid? It's like the biggest paradox ever. Einstein in all his brilliance was still subjected to the "rules of life" and I guarantee that even he had self doubt at some point or another. Or when he saw the woman of his dreams he still stammered and felt like less of a person in her presence. I look at myself as being reasonably smart. I'm not a genius or an over achiever (any more). I used to be the guy that would work 60 hours a week, have a strict routine of coffee and reading email and show up to work 30 minutes to an hour early just to try to put extra effort into the job at hand. And then one day, my confidence was 'shot' and I haven't bounced back yet, or even know if I WANT to bounce back. Now, I am a lame douche bag that plays video games, gets drunk all the time and partakes in adult entertainment frequently enough to know their REAL names and how many kids they each have. I stopped trying. Plain and simple. My life sucked balls when I worked all the time. I had money enough for whatever and everything was taken care of. Albeit my mental health declined but, like I said everything else was taken care of. Now, my mental health is fairly good, aside from being a non-productive member of society and everything around me is falling to shit. Bags of Awesomeness. I still haven't found that ONE thing I am willing to put my effort into again and that's the saddest part about it. I walk around aimlessly like Cain. So internet / universe / whatever higher power / God, is there a magical point in time or answer out there? Or is the self inflicted torture never ending? You know what, I don't care. How about I just give you the middle finger and keep fumbling ahead like everyone else pretending everything is alright. I feel better now.